DARK and TWISTED!
by Kaijo
Summary: Nanoha Halloween Special! Our heroine is in for a night of SURPRISE and TERROR! Will she survive? Can she save her friends? A short-fic for the holidays. Warning for Dark humor and parody elements!


**DARK and TWISTED!**

**(or the Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha Halloween Special!)**

Xx~~*~~xX

Nanoha was looking forward to tonight's Halloween dinner. Yuuno was coming over to join Fate and her for a small gathering of hot roast and pumpkin pie

At least, that was the plan, but then she ran into Hayate and happened to let it slip, and before she knew it, the entire Wolkenritter were coming. She just had to pick up more ingredients on the way home, which meant Yuuno should be over there with Fate now.

As she walked up the steps to the house, though, she noticed that all the lights were off.

[That's strange; did Yuuno and Fate go out for a bit or something?] she wondered.

"Hello, I'm home!" she called out as she stepped inside and hit the light switch. Not only did no one reply, but the light's didn't go on. "Hmm, I wonder if there was a power outage and those two went to fix it."

After grabbing a flashlight from the compartment near the entrance, she detected the scent of something cooking and followed it to the kitchen. [Why would the stove be working if the power was out?]

As she entered the living room, her light traveled over the back of a golden-haired head on the other side of the counter between the dining room and kitchen.

"Oh, Fate, there you are," Nanoha said relieved, heading around the counter to the kitchen. "Why didn't you answer when.. I... called..."

Fate smiled back at her. Or at least her head did. Her arms were in a large pot on the stove, while her feet were resting on the counter. The rest of her torso leaned against the far wall.

Nanoha's eyes widened. "R-red is a g-good... color.. for the kitchen..."

"I'm sorry, once the poor girl saw me, she just simply went all to pieces!" a distorted voice echoed throughout the house. It could have been coming from a male or female voice, for all Nanoha knew. "Oh, and you might want to see if the roast in the oven is done."

Mechanically, Nanoha opened the oven door and leaned down. Her first thought was why Yuuno was in ferret form. Her second was why he was trying to eat an apple bigger than he was.

Reality snapped into focus like a rubber band that could only stretch so far. "OH MY GOD! I'M IN A DARKFIC!"

"Did you like it?" the voice asked. "I'm afraid it's just the two of us now."

"Who are you?" Nanoha inquired to know, bringing out Raging Heart. "What do you want? Will you tell me your story?"

"Let's play a game," the voice suggested, as Nanoha started up the stairs. "If you can figure out who I am, then I'll tell you what I want!"

Nanoha was glad that Vivio was staying over at a friend's house tonight. And she realized Hayate and the Wolkenritter were coming over soon, so she just needed to hold out. Nervously, she poked open the door to her and Fate's bedroom.

"Are you bigger than a breadbox?" Nanoha asked.

"Why yes, I am!" the voice replied.

Nanoha swept the room with her staff, but it looked normal and undisturbed. "Are you a disturbed mind with your own view of reality?"

"Ding! You're very good at this!"

Nanoha smiled triumphantly. "You're Jail Scagiletti!"

"Bzzt!" the voice mocked. "I'm sorry, that's incorrect. We'll have to deduct a point for that."

The pony-tailed girl scratched her head. "A point?"

There was a knock at the door, and then she could hear it open as Hayate called out, "Hello! We're here! Nanoha, where are y-"

"Hayate!" Nanoha called out, sprinting down the stairs. "Look ou-!"

*Chunk!*

Nanoha instinctively caught the basketball-sized object tossed at her, then got a good look at it. "Is that a new hat, Hayate?"

"..." Hayate replied, as her body, still in the doorway, plopped to the ground with a thud.

Nanoha gently placed the head back on the body. "Why don't you stay there for now? Oh dear, Rein, were you riding on Hayate's shoulder? Here, let's put your two halves together and set you on this shelf for now."

"Nanoha, what's going on?" Signum asked as she and Shamal appeared in the doorway.

"I think there's a serial killer in my house," the other girl replied.

"OH MY GOD, THEY KILLED HAYATE!" Shamal screamed. "YOU BASTARDS!"

Signum slapped Shamal, then turned back towards Nanoha. "Let's split up and search the house. We can cover more ground that way."

"Good idea, Signum," Nanoha agreed. "Three women splitting up in a darkened house with a killer on the loose is a very good idea."

"Right then, I'll take the first floor, you take the second and Shamal can take a look around the grounds outside," the Belkan Knight told them, bringing out Levantine and activating her armor. "Zafira and Vita will be by in a bit."

"Oh my god, Hayate," Shamal cried, unable to stop the tears. "You were my entire reason for living, you just can't be dead!" She paused and wiped her eyes. "Wait, what did you say Nanoha!?"

x~~*~~x

"[Anything yet?]" Signum sent telepathically, checking the toilet room on the first floor.

"[I'm afraid not,]" Nanoha replied. "[I'm in Vivio's room now, but there are still no clues. I can't find anyone else.]"

"[Well, keep searching, they have to be blerk!]" the Wolkenritter encouraged her.

"[Blerk?]" Nanoha sent back, confused. "[What does that mean?]"

"[Blurble bleck blobble BELP!]" Signum sent intelligently.

"[Signum?]" the other girl asked again. "[I don't understand what you are trying to say.]" She looked out Vivio's bedroom window and sighed. "[Oh dear, it looks like Shamal has been hung on the front yard tree. Perhaps splitting up wasn't such a good idea.]"

Out loud she said, "Voice? Are you still there?"

"Oh yes, quite so," it answered. "Just taking care of a bit of business. Have you given up on our game yet?"

"No, but I'm positive if you just tell me who you are and what you want, I might be able to help you, if it's nothing too bad," Nanoha told the voice of the mysterious bloodthirsty serial killer.

"I'm sorry, Nanoha, but I can't do that," it replied sadly. "It would end the story too quickly."

The pony-tailed girl sighed. "I suppose you're right."

A new voice rang out from below. "Nanoha! Hayate! Shamal is hanging from a tree in the front yard, dead!"

"Vita?" Nanoha called back. "Is that you?"

"Nanoha, it's me!" Vita shouted. "Zafira is getting her down now and... oh my god, Hayate is dead, too! Where's Signum and Rein!?"

"I'm afraid Rein is, um, half the girl she used to be, heh heh heh," the taunting voice echoed throughout the house.

"Yes, please be careful, Vita," Nanoha warned her, leaving Vivio's room. "We have a serial killer loose in the house."

Vita popped out Graf Eisen and switched into her barrier jacket. "Don't worry, I'll get them. I'll make them pay and protect everyone else!"

*thunk!*

Vita looked down at the spike protruding from her chest. "Ha, as if that will stop me!"

*whack! whack! whump! slice! thump!*

"Bring it ON!" Vita's head shouted threateningly from the floor from amongst her body parts, to the black shrouded figure in front of her.

*punt!*

"I'll be baaaaaaaaack!" Vita's voice sounded as her head disappeared out the door and over the horizon.

x~~*~~x

Vivio hurried as fast as her legs could carry her. She just knew something was wrong, and had to excuse herself from her friend's house. She stopped in shock as she arrived home.

"Zafira!" she cried, seeing the wolf hanging upside down over a fire spit.

Most girls would have run in terror, but Vivio had been raised by Nanoha. She activated Sacred Heart, changing into her Kaiser mode, and charged into the house.

"Nanoha-mama!" she called out, worried. "Fate-mama! I-"

*chink!*

Vivio looked down at the bent knife the shrouded figure had attempted to stab her with. "Um, who are you?"

"I'm a friend of your mama's," the figure said with the same distorted voice, ruining a perfectly good chainsaw on Vivio's barrier jacket, following by the destruction of an equally-fine jackhammer.

Vivio looked confused. "Um, I don't think that will work." She thrust out her chest proudly. "This is the Saint Armor, product of ancient Belkan Kings!"

The figure looked at the TNT bundle in his/her hand, sighed, and chucked it over his/her shoulder. "Damn, you're right. Then here, hold this."

"What is thi-" was all she could say as she was given a fairly large box and forcibly teleported away.

The last thing she saw was a white flash.

Nanoha came running down the stairs once more. "Vivio? Is that you?"

"Well, it *was*!" the voice confirmed, as a bright flash lit the horizon, turning into a mushroom cloud.

[It's going to be a real pain to clean all this up later,] Nanoha noted silently to herself, seeing all the body parts in the foyer.

"So, give up yet?" the voice asked, somewhat bored.

"Well, let's see..." Nanoha did some thinking. "If you're partly insane and yet obviously skilled, and you're not Jail, then... Precia?"

"Ding Ding Ding!" Precia replied, her voice dropping the distortion.

"Can you tell me what you want now?" Nanoha asked.

"After finding Alhazard, I managed to find a way to resurrect Alicia, but she needs a new body," Precia explained. "So I am going for revenge at the same time, by taking your daughter to use for that body!"

Nanoha tapped her chin. "Um, I think you just blew up my daughter..."

"... oh fiddlesticks," Precia seethed. "Well, I guess there's only one thing left to do: kill everyone!"

"But that's what you've been doing!" the other girl complained, powering up Raging Heart. "I think I'll have to make you my friend now."

"Nanoha, look out behind y-" Teana started as she came through the door.

*bang!*

"Oh crap, not again," Vice complained from his position in the helicopter outside as Teana fell over due to head shot.

Nanoha turned, swinging her staff as Precia jumped over her. She continued turning, charging up her weapon: "Divine Buster!"

Precia dropped to the floor, the powerful beam passing over her head and heading straight for the chopper(and Vice) outside, which exploded into fiery bits of metal.

Laughing, Precia melted into a black puddle and disappeared into the ground. "It won't be that easy, as I have gained the power of Alhazard now!"

x~~*~~x

Two hours later, Nanoha finally got all the bodies cleaned up, and added them to the growing stack out back. At least Signum had the decency to remain in one piece, Nanoha having found her drowned face down in the toilet. At least she felt she could recycle the cyborg bits, so not everyone's death would have been a total loss. Why did Fate invite Subaru, Ginga, and her sisters, anyway?

At any rate, Nanoha was at her wits end. All her friends had died, one by one, and she hadn't even begun to have any sort of profound insight into humanity or incredible character growth. Was there no end to this darkest night?

"The night isn't even over yet, and you still haven't found me in the house," Precia taunted.

"I'VE HAD IT!" Nanoha shouted. "I DON'T WANT TO TRY AND UNDERSTAND MY ENEMIES ANYMORE. I JUST WANT TO VAPORIZE THEM! BLASTER 3!"

"Uh oh..." Precia stuttered.

Four blaster bits surrounded the house.

"EXCELION BUSTER!" Nanoha yelled, aiming her own staff.

There was a large pink explosion, and then silence.

x~~*~~x

Epilogue:

In the weeks that followed, Precia agreed to work with the TSAB as community service for a commuted sentence. She shared the technology from Alhazard, which allowed Nanoha to bring everyone who died at the house, back to life.

She turns 60 next week and has plans to spend her birthday with everyone.

Xx~~*~~xX

Ending Author's Notes:

Happy Halloween everybody! I really don't like Darkfics :P

Clarifications:

-Shamal hanged herself

-the cyborgs had "Caramell Dansen" downloaded into their minds, which played over and over again until they committed suicide.

Xx~~*~~xX

Bonus Ending:

A panting, smoking, radioactive and charred form swung the door open. "Nanoha-mama, I'm back to save you!"


End file.
